woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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