I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
