i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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