I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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