I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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