I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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