I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
