My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
