I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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