even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
