woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
