You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
