I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize