Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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