I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She's the barista slut.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
