i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
