after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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