I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
