You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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