Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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