Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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