smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Drunk is not a location!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
