note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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