It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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