Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
