Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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