Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
it's like iHOP with fire
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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