I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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