How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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