i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
