New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize