i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
