I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
