Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
