Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
