i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
