I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
