God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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