i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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