Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
