I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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