I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
