just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
