We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
