"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
