man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
A+ Viking dick
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
