remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I don't deserve a penis
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
