dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
