she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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