I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
