are you still at the devil's house?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
