good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
