booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize