Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
