you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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