A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize