Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
