Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
