that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
